Psalms 52:2  "Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully."

Let me give you a very real incident. A few years ago in one local Church, a certain man approached the Deacons and wanted to be considered for the office of Deacon. This is not uncommon in the Church, and the leadership of any Body is always pleased when someone is willing to devote his life to Christian service, or to reach a higher stage of service. As (at that time) Chairman of Deacons it was my place to bring this man's request to the board of Deacons, and make a determination as to whether he was qualified for the office or not.

When the man's record was brought before the board of Deacons, several objected to the fact that he was a divorced man. They referred to the "husband of one wife" clause of 1 Timothy 3.12, and several firmly stated that a divorced man did not fit this requirement. Now, let me quickly point out that the purpose of this document is not to define "husband of one wife" for you. Some Christians adamantly hold to the position that "husband of one wife" means the man could never have been divorced and remarried, others say "husband of one wife" means that if you were lawfully divorced (i.e. your wife left you in adultery) then you are still the "husband of one wife". I'm not going to debate this, because I can argue this doctrinal position from either side, and argue it successfully. Let God guide your heart, I say. However, if the Church will not accept a man as a Deacon because he's been divorced, it does more harm than good to ordain him to that office. Capeesh?

Well, it was my job (stinks, don't it?) to go and tell this brother, who was one of my best friends, that the Deacons were not in one accord on his ordination. I broke it to him gently, and he took it rather well. I didn't bother to go into details, just broke the news and helped him to accept it. All was fine.

One deacon, however, was absent during the meeting of the board, and came to me and asked why my friend was disqualified.  I related the whole "husband of one wife" debate to him, and he seemed satisfied. However, this same deacon later went to my friend and said "The reason you weren't made a Deacon is because 'David said' you weren't the husband of one wife". Why he did this, I have no idea. I do know that my best friend later charged into my workplace, slammed my workshop keys down on the table (I had given him the run of my private workshop), blessed me out, and departed. Though I did my best to make restitution, to heal the breech, this brother is to this day still harboring hardness in his heart for me.

Several times I asked the deacon who, guilty of miscommunication, caused this breech why he said what he did. David "never said" anything, but this misguided soul added this little tidbit into the conversation. His excuse was that "It just slipped out".

Children, nothing just "slips out". We make a conscious decision to say something, say it, and once it's said the harm it does can be eternal. Why tell you all this? Because I want you to know, there will come a time when, as a Pastor, Deacon, or friend, you may have to counsel someone. Counseling isn't easy, it requires common sense and Godliness. Counseling does not allow words that "slip out", stupid mis-statements, ignorant comments. Perhaps I inadvertently contributed to this situation. Maybe I should have told this errant deacon to "keep your mouth shut", or maybe I shouldn't have told him anything at all. If he was too involved in his own life to come to the board meeting, he probably didn't need to be privy to the discussion after the fact. This is one of these 20/20 hindsight things. Don't let yourself become trapped by your tongue when you counsel.

Counseling is not something assigned solely to theologians, Pastors, psychiatrists, or psychologists. Christians are those who are given the "ministry of reconciliation" by God:

2 Corinthians 5:18  "And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation"

Our ultimate goal as Christian counselors is to help others find reconciliation with God. KATALLAGE, the Greek word for "reconciliation", means to "bring two warring parties together, to cause two sides to achieve peace, to restore two beings to a right relationship with one another". Counseling is, or should be, the Christian's way of life. We should counsel on several levels. First and foremost, we should be leading others to Christ. You cannot MAKE another person accept Christ, but as a counselor you should be able to point people to the pathway of peace found only through Christ. Unbelievers are at odds with Christ, with God, and are recognized Scripturally as "the enemies of God" (Romans 5.10). They are living their lives unnaturally, because man was created to be a companion with God. Because they are living their lives unnaturally, often other things creep in to fill this lack of relationship with Him. Humanism crawls in on broken feet dragging with it depression, aberrant lifestyles, disease because of that aberrant lifestyle, social disorders, demonism, drug abuse, murder, mayhem. Though I have great respect for psychiatry and the other means by which doctors approach the sufferings of mankind, psychiatry only resolves the symptom, not the problem. The problem is, man is at variance with God.

The Christian counselor points those who have not found Christ in the direction of the Cross. He, using Scripture, uncovers the need of the unbeliever so that that unbeliever can see his need, and see the solution in Him.

1 Corinthians 14:33  "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints."

Matthew 5:22-24  "But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.  Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;  Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift."

As Christian counselors we are called to resolve conflict in other areas as well. Often there will be a breech between you and someone you know, someone who is a Christian. It is important to understand that a breech within the Body of Christ is NOT from God. God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. If there is a breech between you and another believer, Jesus made it plain that it is IMPERATIVE that you resolve this breech as soon as possible. When I discovered the breech between myself and my friend, I made every effort to resolve that problem. In the end, though I did not believe I had done anything to warrant his anger, I publicly apologized for any action I did to lead to the breech.

This is important - pay attention. As a counselor you should never compromise on the truths of the Word of God. But if you have offended your brother whether inadvertently or on purpose, you have an obligation before God to do everything you can do to make that situation right. Who was right and who was wrong should never be an issue - swallow your pride and restore your brother, if you can do so without compromising God's Word.

Matthew 18:15-17  "Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.  But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican."

There may come a time when your brother or sister has become so far regressed in sin and division that it will be impossible to help him make reconciliation. Another true story: While Chairman of Deacons, one of our licensed ministers stopped coming to Church. It was not that he was out preaching in other assemblies, he just stopped coming. After a while it started coming to me, through the "Christian grapevine" that this brother was going to other Churches and maligning our assembly. Now every believer is certainly free to go where he feels the Lord leads him, but he is certainly not free to take his minister's license (which our Church granted), leave our Church without notice, and malign us in the process. The Pastor asked that I and the board of Deacons approach this brother and talk with him.

For those of you who believe being a Deacon is a cushy job full of importance, let me tell you, it's no picnic! First I approached the brother privately and asked him to return to our fellowship. He heard me out, but refused to budge. After a week I took the board of Deacons with me, and we approached this brother. After a long discussion without fruit, we finally had to take the matter before the Church. This brother finally came to this meeting, and surrendered his license to preach to the assembly. The story didn't end here, though. The brother later stood before the Church and apologized for his behavior, and his license was restored to him. To this day he preaches (quite well, I might add) and serves our Lord with gusto as a productive member of that Body.

This is the purpose of counseling: to restore the believer to a right relationship with God and his brothers, and to bring the unbeliever to a right relationship with Christ. Counseling should never be used as a stick to whip someone, nor should it be a platform for you to prove your own superiority or righteousness. No, the effective Christian counselor seeks RECONCILIATION, peace between two warring parties. Jesus established a very defined method for resolving problems in the Church: (1) Go to your brother in private and seek reconciliation, (2) If this fails, take witnesses and again seek reconciliation, and finally, (3) After all else fails, take it out in public. Let the Church decide, as a Body, what it will do with that errant member. If necessary the member is censured, regarded as "a heathen", and removed from the active roles of the Church. But always remember, counseling starts by (1) Using God's Word, not our own platform or desires, and (2) Uses the least amount of force necessary to resolve the conflict.

Sometimes you will have someone come to your for counseling because they are suffering pain, confusion, division, or depression in their life. The breech that they have may not be with other humans, but with God. The breech that they have may be internal, and they may be at war with themselves. Learn to be a good listener.

When someone comes to you for counseling, the number one thing you need to realize is that they are looking for someone to LISTEN to them. I have had the dubious pleasure of sitting in the Pastor's office trying to unburden my heart to him while he only half-heartedly paid attention. Listen, no REALLY LISTEN to the person who's talking to you. It is frustrating to try and talk with someone about your troubles when they refuse to pay attention.

How do you feel when you walk up to several friends, and one of them says "How are you doing?", you start to answer, then your friend turns away and starts talking to another friend. I'll tell you how that makes me feel. First, you tell me by your action that my being is unimportant to you, my responses meaningless. However, you might only be slightly upset by this, shrug it off and move on. But if you are in serious emotional turmoil, you are severely wounded if the person you approach ignores you as a person. Jesus never did this:

Mark 10:13-14 "And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.  But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God."

Jesus never ignored people, treated them as objects, thought they were useless. When He saw His disciples discouraging the children He REBUKED His disciples. Yes, our Lord, busy as He was, always had the time to spend with the children, the suffering, the lonely. He focused on people. One day while walking down the street He saw Zacchaeus (Luke 19.5) the chief publican sitting up in a tree. Jesus stopped, looked up, and said "Come down, because I'm going to your house". Take the time to listen, look at, and become involved in those you counsel.

People are so important to God that He created them, knowing they would mess up in the Garden. People are so important to God that He created them knowing that He would have to hang on the Cross for them. People are certainly important enough, if God regards them so highly, for you to put your life on hold for a while and PAY ATTENTION to what they're saying. Ninety percent of counseling involves listening to the other person, then responding Scripturally. Let God's Word work its wonders in the sufferer's life.

1 Corinthians 12:26  "And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer with it; or one member be honored, all the members rejoice with it."

Romans 8:28  "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Let your spirit be gentle while counseling others. Seek to understand the place their life is in, to empathize with them, and then respond gently from Scripture. I have been in sessions with preachers who pompously or patronizingly respond in counseling, and seen the counseled party hurt worse rather than helped. The counselee doesn't need you to lean back in your chair, put your hands behind your head, and say "When I was a boy ...", launching into some meaningless drivel. When someone comes to you for counseling they are fragile, in pain, and looking for relief.

Did you ever catch a butterfly when you were a child? I often caught them, and tried releasing them, but they often couldn't fly afterwards. Soon I noticed that my hands had stains on them, and when I became an adult I understood that my rough touch was rubbing the scales off their wings. I was damaging them by my touch, killing them though I meant to love them. I learned to cup the butterfly gently, and to release it when it struggled. Just the lightest of touches, and it was free to resume its flight. Use a light touch in counseling. Pray before, and frequently during the process. Minimize yourself, magnify God, listen and love them. Avoid your own opinions, but seek the great Counsel of God.

1 Corinthians 10:13  "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Romans 8:37-39  "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

No problem faced is a problem that has not been faced by all people, Christian or non-Christian, at some time in their lives. We all have our problems. Gently remind the counselee that, if he is in Christ, there is always an escape. For some God gives them the strength to endure the trial, for others God allows them to find a way out of the trial. Your job as counselor is NOT to tell the other person what to do, but to help them find the solution to their problem through God's Word. Be an encourager, not a taskmaster. And don't be prideful! If you find yourself in a situation you can't resolve, be prepared to refer the counselee to someone better equipped. Introduce them to a more experienced counselor, your Pastor, a professional Christian Counselor, or a Christian Psychiatrist. Ask their permission to share their problems with someone you know who specializes in their problem, or ask them if you can introduce them to that person. If they trusted you enough to come to you with the problem, they will usually trust you enough to take your suggestion for additional help.

As a Pastor I have had to frequently counsel others, both believer and unbeliever. Here are some of the things that God has impressed on my heart.

First, people pick the oddest times to approach the Pastor with a problem. I have had people come up to me with problems at Church fellowships, out on the street, or in the hallway at Church as I was shaking hands of our departing members. My one word suggestion on counseling in these situations is DON'T. Stop the person, and make an appointment to sit down in private with them. You can visit them at their house, or in the Church office behind locked doors, but arrange a time for counseling when no one will intrude on the process. Private consultation puts the counselee at ease, and they will more quickly get to the root of their problem without an audience.

1 Thessalonians 5:22  "Abstain from all appearance of evil."

Second, NEVER counsel a woman alone. I have seen more ministries destroyed over misconduct between the Pastor and a female believer that was not his wife. When my Church first called me to minister among them I had my wife stand up, I pointed to her, and said "I want all the women of this Church to get used to my wife. If you call on me to counsel you, my wife will be sitting in during the process.". When I said that there were several very loud AMENs all through the congregation. Men, the main reason, I believe, that a Pastor MUST be the husband of one WIFE:

1 Timothy 3:2  "A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behavior, given to hospitality, apt to teach"

... is because God expects us to use our wives in the counseling process. If a woman has a problem that she wants to talk over in private, then I always offer the option to counsel with my wife alone. If she wants to talk to me, as her Pastor, then my wife sits quietly in the room. This does two things. First, and I don't care who you are, there is always a sort of sexual tension between men and women. I have never counseled a woman who was unattractive (for all women are lovely), but I have counseled women that were more particularly endowed than others. If you have your wife in the room, that sexual tension is broken, and the counselee is free to unburden her problems. Second, and I don't care who you are, people have mouths and they talk. If it becomes common knowledge that you have been seeing the beautiful and voluptuous ____ outside of Church hours without your wife, people often assume that you are ___. If you want to bring disharmony in the flock and destroy your ministry, make it a habit to counsel women by yourself. I feel sorry for you! I personally know of three ministers who are no longer in ministry because they played with this explosive. If you are unmarried, look for a reliable deaconess in your Church and ask her to sit in on the sessions. You won't be sorry you did!

When you counsel others, you (and your wife, if she's to attend) should dress for the occasion. Let the counselee know by your dress and appearance that you consider him to be important enough to dress for.

1 Peter 3:15  "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear"

Third, be prepared with the Word of God at your side. If you already know somewhat of the problem, look up related Scriptures prior to the session. I have a book of Scriptural promises (you can find it in any Christian bookstore) that has a series of Scriptures divided up by categories like "Grief over a loss", or "Loss of a job", or "Failure in marriage". I keep it handy, and can quickly flip through it to find a section of God's Word that fits the situation at hand.

Fourth, do NOT get caught in the "Situational Ethics" trap. Situational Ethics applies a loose standard of morality on a situation to define what is right or wrong in a given situation. Situational Ethics says, "It's wrong to steal, unless stealing is the only means by which you could feed your family". God's Word says, "It's wrong to steal, period!". You will have men come to you telling you, "My wife doesn't understand me", and will look to you to justify the divorce they want to go through. You need to understand WHEN God's Word allows for divorce, and explain the ramifications of going through divorce as PER God's Word, not your own views on the matter.

2 Timothy 2:15  "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."

Hebrews 13:17  "Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you."

Because, Pastor, you will be giving an account for your actions to God. If you twist His Word to suit the counselee, you will damage the spiritual walk of that person, your ministry, and possibly your relationship with God. We who are given much are held in greater account than those who are given less. This soul has come to you for God's solution, not your own. I grieve over the Pastors all around our world who have turned a blind eye to the "alternate lifestyles" of their members, or twisted the Word of truth to maintain their popularity in the Church. Too many are hurt when the prophet becomes a false prophet.

Proverbs 17:15  "He that justifieth the wicked, and he that condemneth the just, even they both are abomination to the LORD."

Fifth, if the problem that the counselee comes to you with is a derivative of a sinful life, do NOT minimize their sin. Again, there are Pastors who tell homosexuals "It's all right, God understands. Just love one another and it'll be all right". There are Pastors who tell adulterers, "Well, Adam and Eve never went through a formal wedding ceremony. God understands.". Look, God does understand, but He doesn't condone sin. To refuse to admit to sin is to block off any salvation from sin. If you minimize the counselee's sin, you prevent him from repenting of that sin and returning to a full relationship in God. If we, as the Ministers of God, minimize sin then others get the idea that the problem isn't serious to God, and this is a LIE from Hell. God despises sin, and demands that all (believer or unbeliever) repent of it. God despises sin so much that He will send the unbeliever who refuses to repent to Hell to suffer eternal damnation. Each person must ultimately claim responsibility for his own sins, and confess them to God with a repentant heart.

Sixth, the counselee will often want to come to the session and make it a "blame-fest", shifting blame to someone else. Don't allow him to blame others. When Adam fell from grace, he shifted blame to God and Eve. Eve blamed the serpent. The truth was, each person was equally responsible, each person had blame. Rather than allow the counselee to blame others, help him seek out how he contributed to the failure, or how he can heal the breech. Yes, I know if the child of an alcoholic comes for counseling, then that child had nothing to do with the parent's alcoholism. However, you can help the child discover positive steps that he can take to endure this trial, or even help the parent recover from that sin. Sometimes a man will come to you who caught his wife in adultery. Again, how did the man contribute to this situation? How can he effect a reconciliation between himself and his wife?

Genesis 4:5  "But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell."

Seventh, minimize emotionalism in counseling. I know the counselee will be emotionally disturbed, but when God gives an answer to His problem through the Word the counselee must be willing to follow that answer. We are often depressed or unhappy when we depart from God's counsel. When we change our behavior to that which God desires, our emotional stability increases and we reach a happier state. Obedience to God is an act of the will, not of emotion. We are not to be dictated to by our emotions, but are to effect our feelings by positive, Scriptural action.

Proverbs 15:28  "The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things."

And finally, don't give up on the counselee who fails. Remember, God never gave up on us, and we should be long-suffering like God is long-suffering. Certainly, don't allow the counselee to give up on himself. If you don't know the answer to the questions asked, don't be afraid to say "I don't know, but we'll seek God in prayer".  Promise the counselee that you will seek out the answer through God's Word, and encourage him to do the same. Schedule a follow-up meeting where you can both share what you discovered. Also, make sure the counselee knows he is expected to search the Word and do his homework before the next meeting. Unless he is willing to seek God's face, the problem will not be resolved.

May God bless you as you counsel others in His precious Truths.