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How To Lose
A Marriage--And How To Make One Work
by Joe McKeever
Ken and Barbie first,
and now Jennifer and Brad have called off their marriage. At least,
Mr. and Mrs. Potato-Head are still together.
The post-breakup experts have
taken over the cable outlets informing us that Brad wanted a baby
and Jen wanted a career, that their movie-making jobs have often
separated them for months at a time, and that the pressure of
celebrity-hood was just too much. It's an old story, one we have
not heard for the last time. Part of it we understand.
What I do not comprehend are the
statements from their publicist that Brad and Jennifer still hold
each other in high esteem and will continue to enjoy a wonderful
friendship together. For most of us, that should be enough to
make them continue working at the marriage.
The other day I was thinking about
how marriages break down, and remembered an old book gathering
dust on my shelf. "Past Forgetting: My Love Affair with Dwight
Eisenhower" by Kay Summersby answered a question that celebrity-hounds
were asking during the Second World War: was General Eisenhower
in love with the British lady assigned to him as his personal
driver? Were the rumors correct about them? Did Ike try to leave
Mamie for Kay?
Most historians of that war and
writers about Eisenhower have skipped that issue altogether, seeing
it as outside the bounds of their assignment and interest. When
asked, they have replied that one's personal life is his own business
and serious historians are not tabloid writers.
By the time Kay Summersby wrote
her book, former President Eisenhower was dead and she herself
had only a few months to live. For reasons of her own, she decided
to tell the whole story.
"Past Forgetting" tells
of the casual contacts between driver and general when Eisenhower
was first assigned to England. Gradually, a friendship developed
and Ike insisted that Kay be assigned to him permanently. She
sat in on meetings with the powerful decision-makers of the time,
and listened and helped Ike talk through positions he would take.
In time, Ike selected a house outside London for his team to work
in private, and one thing led to another. Summersby retains her
dignity in telling the story, but leaves no doubt in the reader's
mind that they were in love and that the love was consummated.
Many years later, President Truman
revealed how General Eisenhower wrote a letter back to Washington
asking for permission to divorce Mamie and marry Kay. General
George C. Marshall denied him that permission and in time, Truman
had the file sent to the White House and destroyed. At least,
that's what Truman said and to my knowledge, no one ever contradicted
him. In saving Ike's marriage, Truman left no doubt that his future
political career was also rescued.
If there is a lesson in the Eisenhower-Summersby
affair, it's a simple but two-sided one: absence from the wife
weakens the bonds of marriage; continued close associaton between
a married man and another woman creates the makings for a disaster.
It's a matter of prolonged focus.
I have discovered from drawing people over the past half century
that when I zero in on one face for a period of time, I see a
beauty in it. From drawing perhaps 10,000 people, my guess is
I have found no more than one dozen persons in whom I did not
find any beauty at all. It's about focus.
When a man or woman focuses on
the one they are married to, the other becomes beautiful in their
eyes. Let them take their eyes off their beloved and put on another
and they start comparing, with the familiar one always coming
out on the short end. Let them remove themselves from their spouse
and give prolonged attention to another of the opposite sex and,
all things being equal, you have a recipe for big trouble.
Focus. In Old Testament days,
when a man married, he was given a year off from military duty.
"When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out with the
army, nor be charged with any duty; he shall be free at home one
year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken."
(Deuteronomy 24:5) Great idea, isn't it?
The opening chapters of Proverbs
pictures a father giving instructions to his sons on a number
of matters. The relationship of a husband with his wife was rightfully
a crucial matter to this wise father. My favorite part comes toward
the end of chapter 5.
"Drink water from your own
cistern, and fresh water from your own well." That's verse
15, and we are not to think for one minute that the father is
talking about what kind of water to drink. If you doubt it, read
on.
"Should your springs be dispersed
abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone,
and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth."
That makes the connection I was
looking for. Then, putting it so plainly even a dumb kid could
not doubt what Dad was trying to say, he went on. We can almost
see the son blushing.
"As a loving hind (deer)
and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son,
be exhilarated with an adulteress, and embrace the bosom of a
foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord,
and He watches all his paths."
That surely is why the Hollywood
industry is so destructive to young marriages--the total failure
for a husband and wife to focus on each other. In fact, the complete
inability to focus. After all, how can the husband focus on his
loving wife back at home when he is spending all his days on the
set a thousand miles away, playing the role of a single fellow
romancing the sweet young thing in the chair next to him. Only
the strongest could resist such temptation.
I admire those who get out of
the entertainment industry--and a lot of other kinds of jobs--in
order to save their marriages. After all, a wonderful home is
one of the highest pleasures this life offers. The acclaim of
millions who buy tickets to see your latest film is not even on
the list.
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